I know, I know, easy words to say and to read and to think you've got a grasp on, at least...for me. Notice I said "THINK you have a grasp on" --
I don't usually feel anxious about things like finances -- God has always had a remarkable way of meeting needs throughout my life as well as blessing me with lots of "wants," too. I do, however, get anxious about my kids' health. When I have been going through my health problems, that causes some anxiety, but at the same time, no matter how frustrating things get with my health, I'm also content, if that makes sense. There are so many people dealing with things even worse. And I know God is with me through it all. I ponder Job and what the poor guy went through, without even knowing what was going on or why. I think of Paul and the thorn in his flesh he begged God to remove...and yet God allowed it to stay. Do I want health issues? No. Does anyone?
Why, then, is it so difficult to deal with my kids being sick? Colds I can deal with. The thought of stomach flu is another story. Luke isn't sure if "water wants to come out of my mouth" or not today. Tony and I suspect it may just be phlem that he's coughing up (not a bad cough, but that's what it seems to be), but that niggling idea that it may be more...and the thing is, (here's the horrible little secret I'll share with you all...so you can pray for me!) -- it isn't so much HIS welfare I'm anxious about but my having to deal with the mess and smell. I have a hard time dealing with when I have stomach flu, let alone someone else who can't deal with it on their own. (Mom, I blame you for the times I VIVIDLY remember when you all were sick and I had to "play" nurse and you tried making me feel better about it by wearing your nursing hat...that's the image and memory I keep getting. I am not a nurse and never had any desire to do so....cuts and blood I don't mind cleaning up, but other stuff...)
I know there are others who have a hard time dealing with the same thing, but it still makes me feel like a horrid and selfish mother, putting my own problems before my kids. And it isn't something I'm any too eager to get over (so please don't pray that the kids get sick so I can learn to deal with it!). I'm thankful that Tony doesn't mind dealing with this problem when it comes, but I also know he can't be here 24/7. Maybe I'll go do the farm chores today....
Right now I'm "hiding" in our bedroom, listening to my favorite worship CD (which really has such a calming affect on me, thank You, God!), and hoping that by the time I get downstairs, Luke will be bouncing around and not drooping like he was a bit earlier.
Still, the thought causes my stomach to knot and twist, even though I really am trying to deal with the knowledge that even if we stay healthy this year, there are still lots of "growing up" years to come. I pray about it, I honestly don't want to be anxious about it...but it has a grip on me.
Anyone else deal with this same issue? Or have any ideas? And...if this isn't something you can really relate to, don't offer suggestions...because if you can't relate to it, you really have no clue what this struggle is all about! But...you can pray for me! (is it totally selfish of me to pray that God will keep us and especially the kids and Tony all in good health? Expecting and believing? Because I honestly don't believe this is something I can deal with, regardless of whether God knows I can handle it or not....and I don't say that irreverently, honest!)
And again, I know there are parents who deal with issues so much worse...kids on chemo who deal with this on a daily, hourly basis. Parents who have lost children and would give anything to deal with this issue. Kids who have life-long mental and physical disorders. And that makes me feel even worse with being so anxious about a normal part of life and growing up and winter-time/enclosed spaces/germ sharing especially among kids. Please, please don't make me feel even more guilty. This is just such a huge issue for me...and it honestly does help writing and sharing about it....
(Hey Liz, any chance of you or at least your hubby coming to live up here during the winters with us? hahahahahahaha!)