There has been so much in the news about Haiti lately...no wonder with the earthquake and all. But I've been realizing that my reaction hasn't been the whole shock thing that seems to be coming from everyone else. That bothered me, and I prayed about it, looking inside me to see why it isn't tugging at my heart strings like it is so many others. I realized that it is....but I'm just projecting it in different ways....although, realistically, I may not have let it impacted me as much as others. Why? Aren't we called on to have compassion? To help others? To reach to those in their time of need? What is going on with me???
Maybe these are excuses, I don't know. I prefer to think of them as explanations :)
Life has been extremely hectic here lately. We are getting ready to go to St. Cloud for a convention tomorrow (returning Friday) and I'm wearing several different hats, both there and in preparing for it here -- wife and mother, Red Wagon Farm market manager and presenter (we're the featured grower this year...which involves putting together a HUGE power point presentation and a photo layout), and sales person for Greenstar/Watkins with a booth that needs to be set up, have product in it with things to hand out. To top it off, Luke isn't feeling well today. We had friends over for Food, Fun, and Fellowship Sunday -- thirteen children under age 12 and eight adults. Still have our booth at the coffee shop (although I'm in there only 1 or 2 times a week). Home schooling. Laundry that multiplies by the minute. The list goes on.
I've not had much time to look at the news or news sites outside of headlines (and why wasn't there even mention, or very little mention of the 6.0 earthquake in Guatemala yesterday? I saw it briefly on MSN.com...but no story anywhere else -- that I looked for. My brother-in-law lives there.).
But also in all honesty, even if I HAD the time, I don't want to spend it seeing pictures, watching news, reading different stories about it. My heart goes out to the Haitians and others who have been forever affected by this tragedy. My prayers are continually going out, seriously...and especially for spiritual awakening and victory in an area that has had so much spiritual warfare for centuries (that's a whole other issue). But a big part, for me at least, is I don't want to see or face pictures of more tragedy.
Just a few days before I graduated high school, one of the worst tornadoes in US history went through my small town. Thankfully, we sustained very little damage, but I remember my dad and brothers and I trying to drive to the other side of our small town to find my mom who had been at the grocery store. Friends wandering the streets in shock. Homes and buildings demolished. Trees sticking out of roofs. Praise God no one in our community was killed, but the devestation was horrid. A few years before that, in fact, this week marks the anniversary (29 years? 30?), a fire destroyed our house in the middle of the night. Again, that is another full story that maybe I'll share some day. About 12 years after the tornado...which I thought didn't affect me TOO bad, I was smack dab in the middle of Hurricane Andrew when I lived in Florida. Again, God's grace is incredible and the stories I can tell you about that are amazing. Yet...seeing the results of the hurricane brought back everything from the tornado...and the fire. And I thank God the 8.4 earthquake I was in when I lived in California had very little damage (it was centered in the desert, so the sand absorbed most of the tremors...but WOW! That's not something you want to wake up to at 3:30 a.m.! Trust me....).
I don't want to see more. I don't want more images in my mind. This isn't my forever home. I know we're living in a fallen world that has horrid things happening daily...each second....because of the impact of sin. My heart aches for those who are affected by earthquakes, tornadoes, fires, hurricanes -- I've been there. Honestly. I know. My heart cries for those affected by crimes -- the worst I've dealt with was someone robbing and trashing my apartment in California and stealing everything from my car in Florida. There are those who go through worse -- murder, rape, torture. I hurt for them. I pray for them. When I can, I reach out to them.
Am I wrong with my attitude? Am I selfish? Am I trying to stay in a little bubble insulated from everything outside my small sphere? I'm worried now about Luke...his tummy and throat (he has his head inside a bowl right now...please, God, DON'T let him throw up! I can't deal with that!!!! -- see, is that selfish dwelling on that???). I pray for him....but for others, too.
Give it to me, folks. Don't hold back. You're my friends and family, those who I should be able to count on to be real and honest with me.